Adolescence

This is a story that I've told maybe three people. Also, for the record, the fact that tomorrow is Valentine's Day is completely coincidental.

Adolescence is a period of extremes. At no other point are the peaks and valleys of life so apparent. We run the gamut of emotions every day. We go from fearless to insecure and back again at the drop of a hat. We are convinced of our immortality, only to face our own fallibility at every turn. Living through adolescence is like running the gauntlet, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We learn and grow through adversity, and as a result, we change and learn about ourselves the most during adolescence.

There is one event in particular that has had such a profound effect on me. I think it is safe to say that no other event before or since has had a bigger impact on me. It greatly influenced how I view life and myself. It occurred when I was sixteen. The ages 13-15 weren’t all that remarkable for me. Looking back, I don’t think I changed all that much until the later half of my sophomore year in high school. I could write about what I was like in seventh grade; that I was a lot like I was in fifth grade, and that by ninth grade, very little had changed. But that wouldn’t make for a very interesting story, now would it?

When I was a junior in high school, I had a part time job at Burger King. It was there that I met a girl named Julie. Through work, we became friends. More accurately, I became her friend. She was going through a rough patch, and I was there. I would listen to her and talk to her.

I was never particularly attracted to her. She was a few years older than me, and also had a kid. She wasn’t too bright, and was probably doomed to a dead end, lower class existence. She was, however, quite attracted to me. I tried to ignore it and act as if it was nothing.

During spring break of that year, I was planning on getting a new piercing. I asked her to come with me for moral support. At the time, my parents were very conservative when it came to body modification and had threatened to kick me out if I got another piercing. I wanted someone with me to make sure I went through with it.

Afterwards, we were at her apartment. I know I’m not the first person this has happened to, and I know that I won’t be the last, but one thing led to another, and we end up having sex. A very big, very important detail: It was my first time. I had no idea how it happened, and today, almost five years later, I still don’t know. I’m sure you can tell where things are going from here.

We “dated” for about a month. I use that in a very loose sense of the word. I never should have let it happen, or to allow her to get the impression that how I felt about her changed.

A few days after we broke up, she tells me she’s back with her ex-boyfriend. I don’t really care, but I remember her telling me that he wasn’t the nicest guy, and remind her of this. She just shrugged and said it was okay because he was going to buy her a new living room set. It was at this point that I said one of the dumber things I’ve ever said in my life, “Wow. You do realize that kind of like prostitution, right?” Definitely not the smartest thing I could have said.

Things exploded. I don’t remember what else was said that night, but there was a huge, loud argument. I saw her in a completely different light.

Suddenly, instead of having an ambivalent attitude towards the whole thing, I became disgusted. I was revolted, not only at her, but also at myself. I didn’t understand how I could do something so incredibly stupid.

Through conversations with her friends and co-workers, I became well aware that she was promiscuous, to put it nicely. It didn’t actually hit me until a friend asked me, “Is she clean?” It was like a punch to the gut. All of a sudden, I was thinking about all the bad things that could happen. I started to think about all the negative effects on not only my life, but on the life of any person I chose to be with in the future. As teenagers, we really do think we’re invulnerable and invincible. Sure, we give lip service to the idea that bad things can happen, but we don’t really think, “Bad things can happen to me.” I was incredibly lucky; bad things didn’t happen to me this time, at least not on a physical level.

Mentally, I was a mess. Words simply cannot describe how terrible I was feeling. Without trying to sound incredibly arrogant, I am a smart person. I generally don’t make stupid decisions or mistakes. Yet here I was faced with an enormous error in judgment. I was slapped in the face by the reality that I was fallible, that I could make mistakes, and more importantly, that my decisions have consequences.

It took me a long time to get over this. For probably well over a year, I would have given anything to take it back. Before this, I had never known was true regret was. Now I did, and it felt awful. True regret is a pit in your stomach, a crawling in your chest, and it keeps you awake at night.

Lest you think it was only negative things that resulted from this, I should explain how I finally got over it. What allowed me to come to grips with everything was acceptance of what happened. I eventually came to accept the fact that I couldn’t change what happened. I can’t change the past, and if I could, I wouldn’t. Those events shape who I am today, and I won’t change that. It is for this very reason that I no longer regret that or anything I’ve done.