Everything I Ever Wanted to Tell You, But Was too Afraid to Ask

What am I? Like, do I have a chance? Did I ever have a chance? Do you have feelings for me? What’s going on? I know you said you didn’t want to lead me on, and I don’t think you have, since that sort of implies intention. But you have been sending mixed signals.

This sounds like I’m mad. I’m not. I’m confused. It seems like there’s this elephant in the room and we keep dancing around it (yay for mixed metaphors). And I wanted to use it to segue into how I feel about you.

I think you’re amazing. I think you’re absolutely beautiful. But more than that, you’re smart, you’re funny, you’re caring, you’re dedicated, and yes, you’re strong and independent. And all of this makes me absolutely crazy about you. I’m totally into you. I want to know everything about you. I’m genuinely interested in everything you have to say and what you’re thinking. I want to know what gets you excited and passionate, so I can be that way too.

I love hanging out with you. I love just being around you. The best time that I’ve had with you? Those fifteen minutes you feel asleep in my arms. Remember how I stopped talking the other night? That’s because I just wanted to be quiet and let the moment last as long as possible. I wasn’t lying when I said I was perfectly okay standing there holding you all night while you slept. Every time I see you, I just want to wrap my arms around you and pull you close and hold you tight. And it’s the thought of doing it again that helps me fall asleep at night (that’s not creepy, is it?).

I love kissing you. You’re so soft and tender. I’m gentle because I don’t want to put you off, and I’m glad that you like that. The world really does spin, and I get all light headed. I always feel like I’m walking on air right after. It’s such a wonderful experience.

I love the time I spend with you. I love our conversations (seriously, sexy raspberries? Sign me up). I love how you ask me if I’m sure I’m not gay (No, I’m not. Really. I'm pretty sure reading this will convince you). I love it when you laugh at my god awful mispronunciations. I love your smile and your little dimples that come with it. I love the thing you do with your tongue when you’re giving me a hard time. I love it when you laugh; I think that’s why I try so hard to make you do it.

The other night, I realized how much I care about you. When you started telling me what happened, my thoughts were, "Oh no. Don't let this end badly." And, reletively speaking, it didn't. But I said I was up for 45 minutes after you were. That's the truth. I was shaking. I was so concerned about how you were. I wanted to make sure you were okay (I know you said you were okay, but still). I started off concerned, and I stayed that way. Then I was angry. I was furious. My hands literally were shaking with rage. You don't need protection, but the lengths I would have gone through to ensure your safety know no bounds.

I’m sad that I didn’t get to make you dinner, though (or glad, depending on how well or poorly it might’ve turned out). I wish we could’ve gone on a couple of walks and watch the sunsets over the lake. I think we both would’ve enjoyed them.

God, I feel like such a dork for telling you all of this stuff over AIM and through a blog. I really wanted to do this face to face, but I totally chickened out. But it’s probably better because I don’t know if I would’ve had the balls to say this to you. At least, not without some liquid courage, but then you might not have taken me seriously. And I’m sorry for just dumping all of this on you; it’s selfish and totally unfair to you. I just like you so much it hurts sometimes (it’s not you, or your fault, I promise, so don’t feel bad). The best parts of my day are when I’m with you or talking with you; or when I’m able to be distracted by something enough so that I’m can actually stop thinking about you, which, honestly, doesn’t happen much. And I know it’s totally selfish to say all of these things, but I don’t know if I could live with myself having not told you.

I hope this doesn’t ruin our friendship. More than anything, I like talking to you. I don’t know if you ever picked up on this, but for me, it’s go hard or go home. I hope that at the very least, we can be friends and talk and have fun. But it’s part of my nature to just put every thing on the table and let the pieces fall where they may.